November 14th

I wrote this about the one year anniversary of a friend of mine who passed away due to meningitis ...

1 year , 52 weeks ,365 days later ....
and it’s just as raw
As that day when we saw life
Stolen from your limbs
These words choking at my throat
The rims of my eyes still brimming with tears
We miss you
The world moved on without you but we didn’t
Our lives moved on
But there’s a part that is forever dedicated to you
A memorial filled with memories sealed by pain

I’m sorry I wasn’t there
Unable to shed a tear with those that loved and cherished you
Who are struggling to accept that there is no longer you?
That every year your birthday will pass without you,
On your birthday we tried to celebrate you,
To remember you and to share you with others,
Tears mingled with laughter as we tried
To heal and to steal back a bit of the joy from your special day
But today I just remember that day,
Those flashbacks, so vivid, high definition anguish
Permeating my thoughts
I’m selfish
I tried not to think about the times we shared so I wouldn’t miss you
But today I’m suffocated by it,
My own hospital experiences paling in comparison
Almost exactly the same,
But ...I’m still here and I’m sorry

Should we have done something different?
Should an ambulance have been called?
Perhaps if we had gone in earlier
Or if we hadn’t waited so long in A and E
It doesn’t get easier it becomes different,
Someone else’s reality

I’m resigned to say that on this day
I will always be in that A&E
Sitting in that seat,
Confronted by your vulnerability
Tears rolling down my face as you told me you were sorry
And I assured you it would be fine
Never knowing how hollow my words would be