this is a short freewrite .. originally written on my phone ...
When you tuck that strand of hair behind my ear
And sigh
I look at you with my big brown eyes
Lost in such a tender moment
Silent but for the echoes of rapid breaths
Bouncing off bare walls
Frenzied passion and slow sensuality in equilibrium
If only my name was more than just a whisper
Hushed tones uttered at 3 am
An after thought
Like elderly cans of corned beef left in the cupboards
It satisfies the urge
But never fulfils the soul
I wanted you forever
You are everything
But I am just a consolation prize
In using me you gain back fragments of what you’ve lost
I let you
Because if you leave then I will be empty
And love will become unattainable like the stars
So I let my tears fall silently
And embrace your shadow
S.Y.Kargbo. © 2011
Thursday, 30 June 2011
Sporadic !
I have decided to accept that I will not be able to post frequently , so... i'm going to stop beating myself up and just post whenever the words flow....
Sunday, 28 February 2010
2nd generation FOB (Fresh of the Boat )
I am an explanation
A loner dancing on a bridge expelled between two cities
Cast out for not belonging,
Not being
complete
Enough
I am a diamond in the rough that has been stolen
Made into something I’m not
Shipped off to somewhere
I forgot to be different
I got comfortable
I lost my senses
But then I’m reminded
And the rose tinted lenses
Blur till I’m wearing blacked out shades
Which only distinguish between two shades
White
And the rest
And I am among the restless, most tested
Undefended
Continuously defeated
Because I forgot
The struggles
The countdown
Monday at £180
Tuesday minus £90 for childcare
Wednesday minus £50 for the solicitor
Our saviour
Who will get us the little booklet
That will be our pass into the portal
Of Living
Because too long we have just been surviving
So there’s £40 left on Thursday
And its another week of choices
Every day we make choices
Gas or Electricity
And we don’t have bloated bellies
So we get no publicity
So I guess this week its bread
Next week butter
I’m Hungry
and tired ,
Of seeking solace in the ever empty fridge
So tired
of looking into my mothers teary eyes
As Her heels threaten to explode out of her shoes
The same shoes she wore on my 5th birthday
And on my 7th
But she keeps walking
Battling Harsh winds
That crack lips
I’m so tired
Of gazing into my father’s weary back ,
As he sets out for another soulless day
His masters is only enough to master a broom
Because without that little booklet nothing is compatible
When you step on the plane you leave everything to be here
Like a bird shedding its feathers before it can migrate to the south
A salmon moulting out of its scales before it swims upstream
My heart is heavy
Because I don’t know how long until their empty
This country gutting their shells
Until hell becomes an aspiration
Ambition is wasteful
Because your dreams can only fly as high
as the highrise flats
where you cradle your babies and pray
they don’t fall into this
mismatched
lack of history
where two unwanted cultures battle for sovereign
for a label that can only ever be
‘Not white’
‘Afro-Caribbean’
‘Ethnic Minority’
Where you get pity
Or you get angry
But either way someone gets hurt
And if its not me
Its the little girl , that sits in front of TV asking
why there isn’t anyone who looks like me
Why In Eastenders there is only 1 black family
Its the little children that will never dream of being
Prime Minister
Because we have no Obama
We have Dizzee Rascal
We have ‘Urban’ music
Just Black enough to be cool
But not black enough to be threatening
Cocooned in this accent
I guess I forgot
But I’m not the only one
Our black sons killing other Black sons
Traditional drums traded for guns
So I write to make a difference
Then pen is mightier than the sword
But my bredrin wasn’t beheaded by a biro
We’ve forgotten
The blood soaked, tear soaked
Seeds of immigrants
Pollinate and germinate
And they become tall strapping cannabis plants
Polluting the air of our children
Another baby chokes
As the rizla is skilfully strokes
And their father’s dreams light up in smoke
As they take tokes on their mothers sacrifice
This is ‘urban’, this is threatening
This is British ,
This is Us
And I forgot
Because I’m too British to be African
I’m far too African to be British
So I’m stuck
A loner dancing on a bridge between two cities
Expelled for being
For never being
Enough
A loner dancing on a bridge expelled between two cities
Cast out for not belonging,
Not being
complete
Enough
I am a diamond in the rough that has been stolen
Made into something I’m not
Shipped off to somewhere
I forgot to be different
I got comfortable
I lost my senses
But then I’m reminded
And the rose tinted lenses
Blur till I’m wearing blacked out shades
Which only distinguish between two shades
White
And the rest
And I am among the restless, most tested
Undefended
Continuously defeated
Because I forgot
The struggles
The countdown
Monday at £180
Tuesday minus £90 for childcare
Wednesday minus £50 for the solicitor
Our saviour
Who will get us the little booklet
That will be our pass into the portal
Of Living
Because too long we have just been surviving
So there’s £40 left on Thursday
And its another week of choices
Every day we make choices
Gas or Electricity
And we don’t have bloated bellies
So we get no publicity
So I guess this week its bread
Next week butter
I’m Hungry
and tired ,
Of seeking solace in the ever empty fridge
So tired
of looking into my mothers teary eyes
As Her heels threaten to explode out of her shoes
The same shoes she wore on my 5th birthday
And on my 7th
But she keeps walking
Battling Harsh winds
That crack lips
I’m so tired
Of gazing into my father’s weary back ,
As he sets out for another soulless day
His masters is only enough to master a broom
Because without that little booklet nothing is compatible
When you step on the plane you leave everything to be here
Like a bird shedding its feathers before it can migrate to the south
A salmon moulting out of its scales before it swims upstream
My heart is heavy
Because I don’t know how long until their empty
This country gutting their shells
Until hell becomes an aspiration
Ambition is wasteful
Because your dreams can only fly as high
as the highrise flats
where you cradle your babies and pray
they don’t fall into this
mismatched
lack of history
where two unwanted cultures battle for sovereign
for a label that can only ever be
‘Not white’
‘Afro-Caribbean’
‘Ethnic Minority’
Where you get pity
Or you get angry
But either way someone gets hurt
And if its not me
Its the little girl , that sits in front of TV asking
why there isn’t anyone who looks like me
Why In Eastenders there is only 1 black family
Its the little children that will never dream of being
Prime Minister
Because we have no Obama
We have Dizzee Rascal
We have ‘Urban’ music
Just Black enough to be cool
But not black enough to be threatening
Cocooned in this accent
I guess I forgot
But I’m not the only one
Our black sons killing other Black sons
Traditional drums traded for guns
So I write to make a difference
Then pen is mightier than the sword
But my bredrin wasn’t beheaded by a biro
We’ve forgotten
The blood soaked, tear soaked
Seeds of immigrants
Pollinate and germinate
And they become tall strapping cannabis plants
Polluting the air of our children
Another baby chokes
As the rizla is skilfully strokes
And their father’s dreams light up in smoke
As they take tokes on their mothers sacrifice
This is ‘urban’, this is threatening
This is British ,
This is Us
And I forgot
Because I’m too British to be African
I’m far too African to be British
So I’m stuck
A loner dancing on a bridge between two cities
Expelled for being
For never being
Enough
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Turning the door handle
Tears bleed down her face
Hoping to be ignored
As she tries to create the illusion of origami
Where she folds herself into nothing as
she disappears in the corner
Day 5478 in the numbers game that is her life
232 bruises
96 cuts including both arms and the left thigh
The ache is so heavy
And she’s trapped underneath it
Drowning in adjectives
‘pathetic’ 93
‘slut’ 94
‘loner’ 95
‘worthless’ 96
one day she will realise
that the anger behind his eyes
is not worth it
that she is worthy
and deserving
of mercy
made in beauty
but time waits for no man ,
for no man except him
Time is always suspended
As he force-feeds her lies
And vomits hate into her mind
Until she’s spewing words
She believes are her own
He makes her do things
Bad things
She knows
it’s gone too far
Her private sanctuary becoming a public arena
And the strength that she pours into
Survival is weakening
Just one more turn of the door handle
Midnight always brings the shuffling of feet
And silence drowns out her screams
She thinks she wants to die
when really I think she just wants to fly
and Soar
She wants to suckle water from the clouds
And sunbathe on the sun
Moonwalk on Mars
She wants to wring out her heart till the
Excess agony drips and forms a puddle on the floor
where all the memories will trip and slip away
into the abyss
she’s broken
like the shards of glass that remind her she’s alive
maybe she should talk to someone
and hand over the baggage
that clutters her soul
and they can rifle through and
throw out the broken promises
the shattered hopes
the juvenile dreams
which like an aborted foetus
where sucked out of her body
and discarded
like sour milk
she too knows she will expire
and be discarded like tainted fruit
full of promise
but of benefit to no one
she’s used
she’s used up
and he will always find her
In the middle of the Amazon
If you listen
You can hear it
The door handle turning
Hoping to be ignored
As she tries to create the illusion of origami
Where she folds herself into nothing as
she disappears in the corner
Day 5478 in the numbers game that is her life
232 bruises
96 cuts including both arms and the left thigh
The ache is so heavy
And she’s trapped underneath it
Drowning in adjectives
‘pathetic’ 93
‘slut’ 94
‘loner’ 95
‘worthless’ 96
one day she will realise
that the anger behind his eyes
is not worth it
that she is worthy
and deserving
of mercy
made in beauty
but time waits for no man ,
for no man except him
Time is always suspended
As he force-feeds her lies
And vomits hate into her mind
Until she’s spewing words
She believes are her own
He makes her do things
Bad things
She knows
it’s gone too far
Her private sanctuary becoming a public arena
And the strength that she pours into
Survival is weakening
Just one more turn of the door handle
Midnight always brings the shuffling of feet
And silence drowns out her screams
She thinks she wants to die
when really I think she just wants to fly
and Soar
She wants to suckle water from the clouds
And sunbathe on the sun
Moonwalk on Mars
She wants to wring out her heart till the
Excess agony drips and forms a puddle on the floor
where all the memories will trip and slip away
into the abyss
she’s broken
like the shards of glass that remind her she’s alive
maybe she should talk to someone
and hand over the baggage
that clutters her soul
and they can rifle through and
throw out the broken promises
the shattered hopes
the juvenile dreams
which like an aborted foetus
where sucked out of her body
and discarded
like sour milk
she too knows she will expire
and be discarded like tainted fruit
full of promise
but of benefit to no one
she’s used
she’s used up
and he will always find her
In the middle of the Amazon
If you listen
You can hear it
The door handle turning
Friday, 26 February 2010
Freewrite
Like smoke..
the questions will clear and all that will be left is this pure stunning ache..
this longing where you loved me furiously,
where you poured every inch of yourself into myself and we became one self.
Fluid.
Like the tears streaming down my cold, calm and collected face.
The amber of your eyes trickle into my thoughts, unwanted,
A tap left turned on
Wasteful,
I had always wanted to love like this, hate like this ..
to hurt like this
The kitchen counter used to prepare booze far more often than to prepare an actual meal.
Cutting lines on the chopping board
Running blindly in search of oblivion ,
I keep falling at the same hurdle ...
My cheek now part of the cotton pillow ...
I take a moment, pausing before the next breath,
Imagining how easy it would be to just stop ...to eject myself...
But all that is left of me is you...And I couldn’t bear to lose you twice...
I want to preserve your smile in cling film because I can’t feel your teeth through a photo ,
Licks and nibbles... touches and caresses
Memories driving me to distraction
Untainted frustration ... and as the anger builds up in my eyes ...the ways these tears have built up in my heart , the way these words have built up on this paper ...
I’m afraid, I’m alone
I’m dried up
like the clichéd raisin in the sun
like an elderly woman’s womb
Like the remains of a war torn nation
Nothing left
But this pure stunning ache
the questions will clear and all that will be left is this pure stunning ache..
this longing where you loved me furiously,
where you poured every inch of yourself into myself and we became one self.
Fluid.
Like the tears streaming down my cold, calm and collected face.
The amber of your eyes trickle into my thoughts, unwanted,
A tap left turned on
Wasteful,
I had always wanted to love like this, hate like this ..
to hurt like this
The kitchen counter used to prepare booze far more often than to prepare an actual meal.
Cutting lines on the chopping board
Running blindly in search of oblivion ,
I keep falling at the same hurdle ...
My cheek now part of the cotton pillow ...
I take a moment, pausing before the next breath,
Imagining how easy it would be to just stop ...to eject myself...
But all that is left of me is you...And I couldn’t bear to lose you twice...
I want to preserve your smile in cling film because I can’t feel your teeth through a photo ,
Licks and nibbles... touches and caresses
Memories driving me to distraction
Untainted frustration ... and as the anger builds up in my eyes ...the ways these tears have built up in my heart , the way these words have built up on this paper ...
I’m afraid, I’m alone
I’m dried up
like the clichéd raisin in the sun
like an elderly woman’s womb
Like the remains of a war torn nation
Nothing left
But this pure stunning ache
Proposals : Part II
Estranged noises stifle the atmosphere
As everyone waits...
Silent
Muffled
The air thick with tension
What am I doing
I’m watching myself
My knee burning with stupidity
My brow Moist with anticipation
I had to ask
We’ve dated for too long
And somehow getting married seemed
easier
Then admitting we had failed
Our love littered with
Anger
An endless sea of women
Everyone is still waiting
I know you didn’t expect this
I had always thought
That I would implode
From the intensity of our passion
My need for you screaming through my skin
But
That was when we were younger
And you were cellulite free
And when I had hair
And was smart and skinny
But I know with time
Id learn
Id learn to tolerate you
And our Loveless days
Would roll on in quiet desperation
And it would be great
We could get a loveless dog
Or We could even crank out a
Couple of love less kids
Bliss
I’m sweating now
The voices no longer muffled
Bursts of ‘sorry mate’
Echo through the restaurant
This is it
It could change everything
You bend forward
And deliver our future in my ear
No
I’m relieved
I’m pleased
I probably should leave you the ring
Since ‘our’ flat is now mine!
As everyone waits...
Silent
Muffled
The air thick with tension
What am I doing
I’m watching myself
My knee burning with stupidity
My brow Moist with anticipation
I had to ask
We’ve dated for too long
And somehow getting married seemed
easier
Then admitting we had failed
Our love littered with
Anger
An endless sea of women
Everyone is still waiting
I know you didn’t expect this
I had always thought
That I would implode
From the intensity of our passion
My need for you screaming through my skin
But
That was when we were younger
And you were cellulite free
And when I had hair
And was smart and skinny
But I know with time
Id learn
Id learn to tolerate you
And our Loveless days
Would roll on in quiet desperation
And it would be great
We could get a loveless dog
Or We could even crank out a
Couple of love less kids
Bliss
I’m sweating now
The voices no longer muffled
Bursts of ‘sorry mate’
Echo through the restaurant
This is it
It could change everything
You bend forward
And deliver our future in my ear
No
I’m relieved
I’m pleased
I probably should leave you the ring
Since ‘our’ flat is now mine!
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Proposals : The answer isnt always yes !
I thought i would go for something a little lighthearted i hope you enjoy xx
Estranged noises stifle the atmosphere
As everyone waits ...
Silent
Muffled
Premonitions of disappointment
Impregnate the air
As everyone waits
And my mind is sprinting past reality
I cant think
The next words that leave my mouth will change everything
And its too late to go back
And your nervous
Your eyes are darting
Your brow
Moist with confusion
Everyone is still waiting
I know you didn’t expect this
I had always expected I’d love you
That id immerse my self in you
drown within you
In filled chalices, where you would drink my soul
And we would bask in the glow of forever
Blissful
But ..
.that was when we were younger
And you were hotter
And I was dumber
Willing to settle
And plod along
Like listless goats grazing on a mountain
I wonder if your knee is sore
Your hands are now shaking
Your brow is dripping
The voices no longer muffled
Bursts of ‘sorry mate’
Echo through the restaurant
And elderly women watch me with disdain
I bend forward
Summoning my most empathetic voice
Pretending not to pity
And I whisper
No
Your retreating back does not surprise me
I’m relieved
I’m pleased
At least you left me the ring
Clarity
Clarity
Nothing is clear now
Except the ringing
The constant ringing
The sirens beckoning me
And I move forward
Steps away from the darkness
An eternity procured too soon
Enshroud me in your pity then forget
As you absolve yourself of guilt and
I am absorbed my it
The ringing
The constant ringing
Lost on my own island
Among foreigners.
Normality like a constellation
Spectacular
Unobtainable
They’re roaring now
Deafening
Temples throbbing
ears bleeding
Sometimes I don’t fight
And the words meander
Softly
Towards my core
Where they seep
into every crease
other times the ringing
is just a whisper
an encouraging whisper
a persistent whisper
I did it
He said
So I did it
And they died
Then the smoke cleared
And it was silent
Just me
Weeping
I tried to cleanse my self
But bleach doesn’t kill
99.9 % of demons
And he’s screaming now
The smoke is billowing
I stop fighting
My eyes are bleeding
And its silent
Happy Belated Valentines day
In search of Love !!
I want to find love
In someone I’ve never known
Someone who is grown
And wants to atone
With me
Who wants to connect spiritually
with me
And prays with me
And fasts with me
Who will walk side by side with me
On that path to Jannah (heaven)
Because I swear by Allah
That is all I need
That and my good deeds.
I hope he is perfect
As in perfect for me ,
Knowledgeable
A master of lyrics
But he doesn’t spit bars he recites Ayat
And isn’t into fast cars
Because he is aware that
We are travellers in this world
And this is not our destination
So he has no hesitation
In the organisation of his priorities
Which besides god is me
I want to find love
In someone I’ve never known
I want to be held and to be shown
That, it’s ok.
To love myself
I want someone to prove to me that I’m worthy,
To make me believe that chocolate can be just as good as latte or cappuccino or just beige
To appreciate my cultural baggage
That my tongue is entwined with another language
As foreign words are force-fed to my people
Stifling a culture already filled to the brim
Whilst I try to affiliate with my mother and her tongue ,
Protecting my nationality like my ribs protect my heart
I want to find love
In someone I’ve never known
A king upon his throne I will be your queen
And we will read poetry in the park
And eat ice-cream in the dark
Huddled together your nose touching mine
As we delve into each other’s minds
Our inside jokes leaking into our surroundings
As you surround me with the love I’ve been seeking
And I weep
Knowing that nothing lasts forever
But wishing I could keep this moment a little longer
While you gaze into the stars, my scars are fading
Then you stand
And take my hand
And lead the way
As we walk,
We laugh,
We talk
Then we cry
As you taste my tears, and you hear me past words or similes
You hear me
The fear in my soul
As I let go
And embrace the love I’ve finally found
I want to find love
In someone I’ve never known
Someone who is grown
And wants to atone
With me
Who wants to connect spiritually
with me
And prays with me
And fasts with me
Who will walk side by side with me
On that path to Jannah (heaven)
Because I swear by Allah
That is all I need
That and my good deeds.
I hope he is perfect
As in perfect for me ,
Knowledgeable
A master of lyrics
But he doesn’t spit bars he recites Ayat
And isn’t into fast cars
Because he is aware that
We are travellers in this world
And this is not our destination
So he has no hesitation
In the organisation of his priorities
Which besides god is me
I want to find love
In someone I’ve never known
I want to be held and to be shown
That, it’s ok.
To love myself
I want someone to prove to me that I’m worthy,
To make me believe that chocolate can be just as good as latte or cappuccino or just beige
To appreciate my cultural baggage
That my tongue is entwined with another language
As foreign words are force-fed to my people
Stifling a culture already filled to the brim
Whilst I try to affiliate with my mother and her tongue ,
Protecting my nationality like my ribs protect my heart
I want to find love
In someone I’ve never known
A king upon his throne I will be your queen
And we will read poetry in the park
And eat ice-cream in the dark
Huddled together your nose touching mine
As we delve into each other’s minds
Our inside jokes leaking into our surroundings
As you surround me with the love I’ve been seeking
And I weep
Knowing that nothing lasts forever
But wishing I could keep this moment a little longer
While you gaze into the stars, my scars are fading
Then you stand
And take my hand
And lead the way
As we walk,
We laugh,
We talk
Then we cry
As you taste my tears, and you hear me past words or similes
You hear me
The fear in my soul
As I let go
And embrace the love I’ve finally found
Lack of Posts
I have not posted anything in a while !!! , I've been writing loads but i haven't been updating here, so i recently went to a really good poetry slam where i heard Mr Boonaa Mohamed and that has encouraged me to get my blog out there and ill start updating here like properly ... well Cheers to the beginning of something special maybe ....
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
November 14th
I wrote this about the one year anniversary of a friend of mine who passed away due to meningitis ...
1 year , 52 weeks ,365 days later ....
and it’s just as raw
As that day when we saw life
Stolen from your limbs
These words choking at my throat
The rims of my eyes still brimming with tears
We miss you
The world moved on without you but we didn’t
Our lives moved on
But there’s a part that is forever dedicated to you
A memorial filled with memories sealed by pain
I’m sorry I wasn’t there
Unable to shed a tear with those that loved and cherished you
Who are struggling to accept that there is no longer you?
That every year your birthday will pass without you,
On your birthday we tried to celebrate you,
To remember you and to share you with others,
Tears mingled with laughter as we tried
To heal and to steal back a bit of the joy from your special day
But today I just remember that day,
Those flashbacks, so vivid, high definition anguish
Permeating my thoughts
I’m selfish
I tried not to think about the times we shared so I wouldn’t miss you
But today I’m suffocated by it,
My own hospital experiences paling in comparison
Almost exactly the same,
But ...I’m still here and I’m sorry
Should we have done something different?
Should an ambulance have been called?
Perhaps if we had gone in earlier
Or if we hadn’t waited so long in A and E
It doesn’t get easier it becomes different,
Someone else’s reality
I’m resigned to say that on this day
I will always be in that A&E
Sitting in that seat,
Confronted by your vulnerability
Tears rolling down my face as you told me you were sorry
And I assured you it would be fine
Never knowing how hollow my words would be
1 year , 52 weeks ,365 days later ....
and it’s just as raw
As that day when we saw life
Stolen from your limbs
These words choking at my throat
The rims of my eyes still brimming with tears
We miss you
The world moved on without you but we didn’t
Our lives moved on
But there’s a part that is forever dedicated to you
A memorial filled with memories sealed by pain
I’m sorry I wasn’t there
Unable to shed a tear with those that loved and cherished you
Who are struggling to accept that there is no longer you?
That every year your birthday will pass without you,
On your birthday we tried to celebrate you,
To remember you and to share you with others,
Tears mingled with laughter as we tried
To heal and to steal back a bit of the joy from your special day
But today I just remember that day,
Those flashbacks, so vivid, high definition anguish
Permeating my thoughts
I’m selfish
I tried not to think about the times we shared so I wouldn’t miss you
But today I’m suffocated by it,
My own hospital experiences paling in comparison
Almost exactly the same,
But ...I’m still here and I’m sorry
Should we have done something different?
Should an ambulance have been called?
Perhaps if we had gone in earlier
Or if we hadn’t waited so long in A and E
It doesn’t get easier it becomes different,
Someone else’s reality
I’m resigned to say that on this day
I will always be in that A&E
Sitting in that seat,
Confronted by your vulnerability
Tears rolling down my face as you told me you were sorry
And I assured you it would be fine
Never knowing how hollow my words would be
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